Do you know this woman? Sadly, I do. Image courtesy of http://www.enumclaw.com.

Let’s say you’re a parent, and one of your kids’ friends is in the middle of a falling out with his own parents. You want to help, because the kid in question has never been in any trouble, he’s a sweet kid, and he simply needs some down-time to get his proverbial shit together before graduation.

What you should do –

• Perhaps call the parents and identify yourself and let them know that you are aware of the situation at hand.
• You should ask them for their side of the story.
• You should ask them if there is anything that you can do to help. The absolute worst thing that could happen is that you could be cussed at and then told to stay out of it. But, hey…at least you made an effort to help make peace.
• Or…(and this is my favorite) you can mind your own business and stay the hell out of the parents’. But, that’s just me. What do I know? I have only raised 3.5 of them over the past 28 years.

What you should NOT do –

• You should not show up at the parents’ house, unannounced, and walk through the front door as if you live there, too.
• You should not stand in the middle of the parents’ living room and talk down to them like they are criminals and you are so much better than they are.
• You should not WAIT to be asked not once, but twice, just who the hell you are before telling the parents.
• You should not say that you are there on behalf of the school to ensure that said offspring retrieves his items du jour safely and without incident.
• You should not tell the parents that you know where their offspring is staying, and then tell them that it is best that they don’t know.
• You should not act like this is the parents’ first rodeo and behave as if you are mother-of-the-year and be proud of the fact that your children do not abide by curfew rules and forget to call home when it’s not convenient for them to do so. Along these same lines? You shouldn’t belittle the parents’ disciplinary plan, especially since you don’t even know what it is.
• You should not show up at the parents’ home the following day, again unannounced, and attempt to walk through the front door, even after you have been told TWICE that you are not welcome in the home. (As a side note, this will prompt the involved parties to pay a visit to the local magistrate’s office and swear out a no-trespass order with your name on it. That said, you SHOULD expect to see this family in court next month.)
• You should not pull a student out of school an hour or more before dismissal to bring him to his parents’ house unannounced to retrieve more of the student’s belongings.
• You should not put your nose in a situation that you know little or nothing about, because this will only cause you further legal trouble, ESPECIALLY if you forged the parents’ signature to remove the student from school without their express permission.

That said, it is now time for Mom to have her say.

Dear Busy-Body –

You met me ONCE, in passing, as I was picking my son up from a party at your house last winter. You don’t know me; you don’t know my husband; you don’t know our family dynamic. Never again will you walk into my home, unannounced, and plant yourself in the middle of my living room and commence to tell me about myself. You thought you were pretty hot shit, just showing up out of the blue with the element of surprise on your side. I get that. The fact that I had been averaging about 2.5 hours of sleep per night since my son packed his belongings and left because “he needed space” left me slow to respond, thanks to sleep deprivation. That you even let yourself into my home without an invitation was enough to stun my muddled brain into non-reaction. You probably should be thankful, given that you still have the same teeth in your mouth that you arrived with and that my internal “southern hospitality-self” was in high gear. This coupled with the absolute stunnage to your very presence in my home had me almost offer you a glass of iced tea. You know, because that is how I was raised, and knocking your teeth out would not have been very sociable. Oh…and also? I’m better than that.

Had I known that there was a deputy sheriff outside my home during your stay is a bad on me. Had I been aware of this fact, the deputy would have found out that you walked into my home, uninvited, which is where I found you when I came out of my bedroom. That, my dear, is breaking & entering (I work with law enforcement, and do retain an attorney, so please understand that I know of what I speak). It is also trespass, which I am sure you have learned by now, as if a deputy hasn’t visited your house with the no-trespass order yet? I’m sure he will.

Further? Just because you gave us your first name, and stated that you are so and so’s mom to avoid giving away your entire identity? Please know that Facebook is my friend, and finding out who you were was a piece of cake. I may have been born during the day, but I wasn’t born YESTERDAY.

Then you have the absolute BALLS to show up with my son, after having pulled him out of school early WITHOUT my permission, at 2:00 p.m. the following day (because you knew that I would be at work, and apparently felt that my husband, who didn’t say much during your initial “visit,” would probably be a silent voyeur to your exploits into my home), once again. You also, apparently, didn’t bank on my middle son answering the door and blocking your ass from entering through the front door. He told you politely that while my son could come in and get more of his things, you were not welcome in the house. Yet you tried to push past him, so he had to tell you again that you were not coming in. That was your final mistake, ma’am. THAT is what prompted the no trespass order with your name on it. And guess what? As sad as it makes me that my name isn’t on it as the complainant because I wasn’t there? My middle son was a very willing complainant, and will be testifying against you when we see you in court next month.

I do apologize for my “mild mannered, push over” husband, however. I understand the language he used with you when he told you to get off our porch, get back into your vehicle, and get out of our yard was more than a little harsh. But he did appreciate your squeaked, “Yes, sir,” as you were backing down our porch steps. So it’s apparent that you DO have some grasp of the word “respect.” I, personally, was starting to wonder.

My advice to you is this, Lady: While I appreciate your wanting to help my son? I think you seriously need to rethink your position in your self-perceived holier-than-thou-ness and butt the hell out of my family situation. This is only going to get you into a more serious situation if you choose to continue.

You have been officially warned.