This isn’t going where you think it is.

“How to Plant a Car”? Start of a trend?

That said, I was getting ready for work yesterday morning, after a short four hour nap interrupted by the inferno that is my bed. It was shortly after 7:30. I heard a gawd-awful clatter that sounded much like a metal trash dumpster hitting the asphalt and all the glass rolling out of it. Not a window-peeper by nature (nobody will ever call me Mrs. Kravitz), I had to break that rule, as it sounded like it happened right outside of our bedroom. Lo and behold, where the Neighbors had planted their car last month, there was a little man on a tractor with a box-blade, scraping the driveway. Apparently, the fashionable time to drop and scrape crush and run to repair the deep trenches in one’s driveway is shortly after 7:30 a.m. On the up-side, it wasn’t my day off, and I was going to work, so there’s that.

They’ve all been pretty quiet over the past weeks, and the neighbors 2 doors down still don’t seem to realize their dog is gone. Hmmmm.

So on Monday I went to the dentist (no cavities, Mom, yay!) to have my teeth cleaned, and then it was off to my favorite doctor to unload my tale of hormonal woes.

This sums it up nicely.

Because I have breast cancer on both sides of the family, the Doc told me to stop the black cohosh. I mentioned getting soy supplements, and she said, “NOOOOOOO!” I am a little confused, simply because those are natural ways to get estrogen-type things into your body. Apparently, estrogen is the enemy if you have history in your family. I already knew HRT was totally off the table, but I was absolutely surprised that soy was a no-go. I was trying to do this the all natural way, but alas…

Also, the cohosh wasn’t doing jack-shit for my moods. I spent all day Sunday on my bed, in our room, alternately fanning myself and crying while watching my favorite on-demand sitcoms. I came out long enough to bring food back. No bueno, yo. I decided to leave the bed after The Walking Dead to write a couple back-to-back posts, but that was it…

So my doc prescribed Effexor, which I’d never heard of, previously. Apparently, it’s an anti-anxiety/depressant that has the side effect of eliminating hot flashes. Okay. I’m in. If it will kill the hot flashes, I’m on-board. So I picked up my little bottle from the pharmacy yesterday and it was late in the day when I did. The warning said not to drive or otherwise operate heavy machinery until I knew how I would react, as this may cause dizziness/drowsiness. Okay. I’ll take it with dinner.

I felt a little wonkey for the first few hours, but mostly, I was just tired. A full day at work on top of four hours of sleep was all I’d need to sleep the night away. Add something that would make me drowsy for the win, right?

Not so much. I tried to doze off on the couch early yesterday evening, and that didn’t work, so by ten, I was in the bed. Don’t you know my eyes popped open at the onset of the first of a gazillion hot flashes that would occur between 10:00pm and 5:30am. 😡 It’s like the little bastards knew I was trying to kill them. I am not lying when I tell you they were frequent and intense; one every 30-45 minutes! OMG! So I finally conked out after one or so this morning after watching several episodes of “Vegas ER” on one of the Discovery Channels. I woke up at three o’clock sharp, after a nice two hour nap. And that was the last time I slept. I watched a “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” infomercial, an entertainment gossip show, some re-runs, and then finally, at five, the news came on. Yeah, that’s conducive to sleep.

I gave up shortly after six, getting up, washing my hair and going to work Got there early, even. By the time I got to work, I had a mad case of the jitters and my eyes were as big as dinner plates. So, WTH?

By ten I was sleepy, but focused. I had more mental clarity than I’ve had in weeks. And I laughed at shit. I mean, I really laughed! That was new.

Somehow, I made it through the day, but damned if the warm car interior wasn’t relaxing. I had to drive home with the radio up and the windows down.

Next on the agenda? A hot bath, some green tea and a very, VERY early bedtime.

But on the bright side? I haven’t had a hot flash since 5:30 this morning, which was THIRTEEN hours and one minute ago, but who’s counting, right?

This might be the light at the end of the tunnel! (Please, oh, please! Do NOT let there be a train attached to it!)

Until Next Time…

p.s….this “change of life” shit is for the birds…